My grandkids are sleeping so back to my story.
The summer of 1984 was fun with excursions of our own to the Battleship Texas & Monument, the zoo and birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese pizza and Water World. We went to Alabama for a visit to see my family since my parents moved there, before we were on the road again. Jimmy had taken another job and we were moving to Lawton, Oklahoma.
His new boss took us on a tour of this town before we even settled in. He brought us to the Wichita Mountains and drove up Mt. Scott. That was all I needed to see, I was completely taken over by the beauty of this place. We seattled in our new home, which needed a lot of work, but the price was right and it was huge. The park was full of ducks. I really never seen ducks like this before, so we got into the habit to bring bread and feed them every time we visited the park.
One of my first visitors who came by to say hi was my grandpa & grandma Ricci. Which means this were my children's great grandparents. It was so wonderful to take them to Mt Scott and watch them play with my kids. I made friends pretty fast, and we also enjoyed Jimmy's boss and his wife. For Thanksgiving Jimmy's dad and sister with her daughter came for the holiday and Christmas his mother came. All this company helped to keep the homesick feeling away.
The following year, I still had visitors as my sister Nanci would come by to visit and my father in law would come and stay for weeks at a time to help Jimmy re-finish the house, paneling in the hallway, and new kitchen cabinets. He also helped to re-build the screened in porch in the backyard. My
sister in law with her husband Steve also helped us feel back at home.
We lived by the army base Ft Sill and they put on holiday fun with games for the kids to play and yes us civilians were invited.
Jimmy's job was only four days a week with three days off. His days off were never in a row, but he only
worked two in a row which left him a lot of free time. He made friends with Charlie Riner from work, and they always seem to take one day of the week and go fishing. In turn I got to meet his lovely wife Sherry and we became best friends. She had three boys and one girl. We had three girls and one boy. It was
Along with the other friends I made life was now good. It was like home again. I had birthday parties at the house with lots of kids over from all my new friends. We went home in 1985 just in time for the big Gaeta family picnic which was something held every year on my husband's side of the family. The kids got involved in soccer and pep club. And our holidays were now spent with the Riners, our new family. We didn't get away on dates; instead we would take turns with the Riners, and play cards either at their house or ours. We would put on a movie for the kids with pizza and ice cream and have our Friday night fun.
We also decided that I needed to work, because it is pretty expensive to bring up four children. I tried calling some of the day care centers, with the idea I could work with my kids there, just like I did in channelview, but I was wrong. The day care centers wanted me to work for minimum wage, plus they wanted to charge me for my kids. When I did the math, I would owe them money, so I decided to babysit at home. That was how I started my own home daycare. Yea I was crazy but my days started at six A.M. and I watched anywhere from three to six extra children.
In 1986 Jimmy decided that he wanted to coach a softball team and that was the first time we coached our kids, Kristina and Jennifer's team.
When I first met Jimmy he coached a soft ball team in Blue Island, Ill. The name of his team was called Buds Gang. He started with these girls at the age of ten and stayed with these girls as they got older and older and in 1975 they won the Blue Island Park District Teen Girls Softball Championship.
That summer also The Cabaret Supper Theatre was looking for a cast for its Cabaret's 'Pan'. You
guessed it, Kristina and Jennifer tried out and were in the cast. They were one of the lost boys, and how exciting to see them on stage. Our summer was busy taking the two girls back and forth as they practiced for the play, spending time at Arbuckle Wilderness, picnic's at Turner Falls, and swimming at White Water Park. It was such a high to see my daughters performing at the Supper Theatre for the paying public.
The winters were also fun. We were back in snow again and the snowmen made way to my front yard. Only thing about Lawton is you never knew what to expect with the weather. It could snow today and be in the fifties tomorrow as the snow would melt. So I always made it a habit to get the kids dressed as soon as there was enough snow, to make the snowman in the front yard before the snow would melt.
When the New Year rolled around making it 1987, that March I had another beautiful little girl. It was amazing how times had changed. When I had my first baby, no one was allowed to be in the room with
you as you waited to deliver your baby let alone be in the delivery room. With my last one I had my kids and my best friends in the room with me while I was in labor and my best friend Sherry and my husband stayed in the room when I delivered my Regina.
Well I hope you have enjoyed what you have been reading. I have a lot more to tell, so stay tuned.
Hello again, and on with my story.
Life was good again. We took the kids to carnivals, rodeos, & live stock shows as a family. Another dog came to our home and somehow we ended up adopting her and in no time we had puppies. Easter came with the coloring of eggs, Easter egg hunt and church. Kristina was now in softball games and what fun to watch. Our ninth anniversary Jimmy bought me beautiful dozen roses. We took the kids camping, and to this zoo where the animals ran around free and you stayed in your car. It was fun as I tried to make the kids birthdays fun for them by making fun cakes like a smurf or micky mouse. This was my reward, I had my family back.
I went and got a job at a seven eleven food store and found a neighbor to baby sit the kids. It didn't last to long before I noticed the kids told me they didn't want to go there anymore. They could not tell me why and I just figured they didn't want me to work. Than one morning all three kids hung on me crying, pulling at me clothes begging not to go into the babysitter's house. What could I do? I called into work, told them I could not come in, and started looking for someplace to put my kids when I worked.
I found a daycare to watch my kids. It was going to cost me more but the peace of mind was well worth it. To this day, I don't know why my kids didn't want to go into the babysitter's home. I was friends with the woman whom I paid to babysit, and took her out to lunch to try and explain why she was not babysitting anymore which was hard to do with no concrete answers and I knew she needed the money. It is a safe bet to say that she didn't talk to me anymore after that.
One day while I was working at the cash register I got a phone call from a child's voice.
"Hello?" I said.
"Mommy where are you?" said the child's voice on the phone. I panicked. It sounded like Kristina, but she was suppose to be at the day care. A bus picks her up from school and I pick all three of them up after work. The alarming feeling inside got worse.
"Mommy, I'm scared." said the frightened voice on the phone before she hung up. I could not think straight. I tried to call Jimmy but I could not get him. I was alone in the store with customers coming in and out. I guess I could just lock up the store and look for her. Quickly I got on the phone and called the day care. They assured me she was at their facility, but I made them check again so I could talk to her. They could not find her. They decided they would drive to my home and see if she was there. You could imagine how hard it was for me to concentrate on my job. I kept seeing her frightened and crying in the house in my head. I couldn't stand feeling so helpless. It was all I could do as to not lock up the store. Yet I wasn't sure if the keys I had really did lock both store doors and if the store was closed than what?
It was about fifteen minutes later when the daycare called me and told me Kristina was with them. They said that she must have gotten on the wrong bus. I finished my shift and couldn't wait to see my baby and talk to the person in charge of the daycare. How could they let this happen? We talked, he apologized and told me how they were short handed and the next thing I know I had a job at the day care. It was a cut in pay, but than I also wasn't paying for day care anymore. I gave my two weeks' notice and pretty soon I had a dream job. I was getting paid to watch my kids.
I know I am a mother, but I had never really worked in a daycare before. I graduated high school but I only did some art in college. Now I was in charge of the four year olds, to teach them their numbers and alphabet and help get them ready for kindergarten . This was so much fun as I looked for books and magazines on tricks and games to help teach the children. I had to get creative and what a wonderful feeling when they would actually learn something from me. But the best was when there was a field trip and all the kids got to go. I would be getting paid to have fun with my kids along with the other kids and have fun at these excursions.
On August 18, 1983 there was a hurricane in Galveston,Tx. Hurricane Alishia made lots of tornadoes that came all the way to Houston where we were. I was never so terrified as I taped up all the windows and put things away, buying can products and water. That night was terrible listening to the winds knock at the windows and doors of the house. We had this big closet that a lot of the time I put the kids inside with flash lights, pillows and blankets. The next day we decided to venture out to see what kind of damage there was. Big trees were pulled out by the roots. Houses were destroyed. I remember seeing a K-Mart with a lot of the bricks gone from the outside of the building exposing the contents of the store for the out side to see.
A couple of weeks later we went back home to Illinois to see family. It was such a great feeling to be by my sisters and brother. My sister Jeannie had a brain tumor that metastaticized to both side of her brain by the brain stem. When they operated they could only take out the right side of the tumor which left her to learn everything all over again. But since they could not take out left side of the tumor it would grow right back to the right side. She was doing well and it was great to see her again. It was great to see my parents and Jimmy's parents and his sister. Plus we were just in time for the big family picnic that Jimmy's family had every year. And wouldn't you know it, I also had a surprise for them. I was pregnant again.
Halloween was fun as I made the customs for my kids resembling a witch, crayon, and princess Lea. The day care had a party and of course we went trick or treating. Than in November to my surprise my sister Jeannie got married. She looked beautiful and it was such a comfortable feeling to know that after all she went through she was going to have a regular life like everyone else.
Christmas came and went and in the beginning of January I had another beautiful baby girl.
Well that is all for today. I will try to get back on tomorrow. I do get the pleasure of babysitting three of my grandchildren the next couple of day. YaHoo. To me that is what life is all about.
Good Sunday morning to you all. I have to admit I really don't like working on Sundays. I love to start my week by going to church. I work on a rotating schedule and I work three Sundays in a row and off six in a row. We have already been on a call this morning for a 93 yr old man who looks like he is having a stroke. The hard part about the senior population is I am not sure everyone takes them as serious. I mean, this man is not responding like he is suppose to says the nursing home. They say he does not have dementia, yet this gentleman can not answer my questions correctly. The hospital I am not sure takes it as serious as me, they take in the fact he is old and so he doesn't need to be as alert. I Usually bring up my grandma to them, and tell them that she is 100 yrs old and sharp as a whip. She still bakes cookies, rides her three wheel bike and takes walks so their theory is out of the water to me.
I have been talking about marriage, love and romance. I have been telling you about my married life and hopefully I am able to show a bigger picture about marriage. One don't even understand but I am enjoying. Since I am busy so far today I am going to talk about Marriage. What is the definition of MARRIAGE: A legal contract / partnership usually sexual and intimate which involves emotional, spiritual, & religious acts. What is Love: An emotion of strong affection, human kindness & compassion. What is a PROMISE: A commitment by someone.
What is ROMANCE: A pleasurable feeling of excitement & mystery associated with love. A deep emotional desire to connect. What is COMMITMENT: The act of pledging or engaging a promise.
What is COMPASSION: An emotional capacities of empathy and sympathy, regarded as a part of love. What is TRUST: Believing the integrity, strength, and confidence of someone.
Do these all look familiar? This is what we do when we get married.
Remember when you both looked at each other and agreed to get married with the idea it was forever? The old vows state: I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband & wife from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part.
I am not judging anyone so please don't judge me. There are circumstances that this does not apply to but, in the long range of most of the divorces it is because the couple doesn't think they are compatible anymore. So the bomb drops and a request is made for a divorce which could be the first awareness that their is trouble. Maybe one of the spouses is having a affair. Kids are blindsided when they are told there is going to be a divorce.
Starting over after a divorce is very difficult, is it possible to love again? Do they have anymore self-worth? Will the children recover from their wounds from the parents splitting up? Can a broken child- parent bond be restored? How about re-marrying and dealing with step-families.?
As I went through my first nine years of marriage, I couldn't even think the word divorce. I hurt inside deeply but I also learned to forgive and forget. Now to forget doesn't mean that you will never think about the problems you lived, but they do not stick in your mind and ruin your everyday life by letting your emotions stay with the problem. You forgave and so you have started over with a clean slate.
I will get back tomorrow with more of my life hoping I can try to show the big picture about marriage and human weakness in all of us. You can still love your partner, be happy and keep your commitments.
Today will be a wonderful day since in a little while we will be celebrating my youngest granddaughter's first birthday. I think every birthday should be a celebration, truly what a gift from God to wake up to another day. I don't want to waste one minute of this time I have here on earth. I want to use my five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch and smell to the best I can before I go back home to be with my heavenly father.
Well on with my story. We drove to Texas in a station wagon. We put the seats in the back down, placed blankets on it covered with toys, crayons and coloring books. I had to make this trip an adventure. Back in the day we didn't have things like car seats to keep the kids locked in one place. Plus there was not such thing as TV screen for a car. They sprawled out coloring, ate snacks and took naps. Part of the time I sat in the front with Jimmy listening to his thoughts of this new job. When the kids got noisy, I would jump in the back and read them stories.
When we arrived we slept soundly in the hotel room, and in the morning, Jimmy dropped me and the kids off at our new home that we were renting. We only had one car, no phone hooked up yet, ( no such thing as cell phones) and waited inside the house until the truck drove up with our belongings and furniture. Jimmy left for work and I was on my own.
This was pretty scary for me. I had never been alone like this before. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know anyone in the neighborhood and I had three kids to take care of. The phone was not working yet, so I gathered up my kids and walked up to the neighbor's house to ask to use her phone.
I knocked on the door and the woman didn't look too happy to see us. When I opened my mouth and to tell her the problem and ask to use her phone, she barked at me.
"Go home you Yankee. You are the reason my husband doesn't have a job."
Than she slammed the door in my face. I was devastated. What did I do? Yankee? I have to admit I went home crying and just waited for my husband to come home. The move was a very frightful thing to do. People were not friendly, and the pickup trucks going down the highways had rifles hanging from their back windows. Plus I had three kids that I tried my hardest to keep happy.
We got the kids a dog and that helped with the transition. I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to my family just for that not so homesick feeling. Jimmy's boss knew we didn't know anyone and so he came by with his family sometimes for a barbeque and slowly in time, I was making friends again.
We had birthday parties for the kids, not quite like we did when we lived back home, because no family was around but we did the best we could with decorating the house, making cute cakes, and having neighbor kids over with party games. We went to the zoo and would travel to Galveston for the beach. It was financially harder with out me working, and we missed going out by ourselves since we didn't know anyone to baby-sit. But isn't that part of the deal once you have a family, you do what you got to do. My sisters and my sister in law would try to visit. Once even my parents in law came and took us for a little trip to Mexico.
I remember this like it was yesterday. All of a sudden my husband seemed distant. He would not sit with me and the kids to watch TV when he came home from work. I would almost have to beg him to kiss me. He quit cuddling me in bed. I kept asking him, what was wrong. He denied anything was wrong. Yet another week would go by and I could feel him slipping farther away. He use to call me every night from work at least two or three times and all of a sudden he only called once a night. A woman knows when something is wrong. I tried to be in denial but I couldn't deal with the loneliness. He was my best friend and now he didn't seem to want anything to do with me.
I finally called my mom and cried on the phone. I told her how Jimmy was acting and than my dad came on. As I told him my story of how Jimmy won't even kiss me without me begging him, how he doesn't hold me anymore, or won't spend time with me and the kids, my dad seemed to know the answer. He told me that my husband must be seeing another woman, and that it is hard for a man to give attention to two women at the same time.
The word, seeing another woman, echoed in my mind. It is amazing how when your world starts to go upside down you can't think of anything else. I didn't want to believe my dad so he told me to test him. Get him to make love to you tonight he said. I remember going out with him and the kids the next day. He was still acting cold to me, not in a bad way, just in the intimate way, if you know what I mean. He would not hold my hand when we walked. He laughed and played with the kids, but I would have to initiate a kiss if I wanted one. So that night I did what my father said, and to my surprise, Jimmy didn't want to, he was tired.
I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong, and ask him if he was mad. When Jimmy gets mad, he stops talking all together and that is what happened. It took a couple of nights with me nagging him; until he was so annoyed with me he finally said the words I never expected to hear.
"Marie, I am not in love with you anymore. I love someone else."
I could not breathe at first. The tears gathered in the back of my eyes and as they started to roll down my cheeks I took a pillow and hit him in the face before I ran to the bathroom. The words kept ringing in my head, I love someone else. Did he really say that? How did my dad know? How was I so naive about this and not see this coming.
We talked some more and Jimmy told me that it wasn't me, he just isn't happy and found someone that made him happy. This is quit a bit to take in when you already have a family and been married for almost nine years. Why would you even be looking for anyone else? Isn't it a golden rule once you have a family, you are out of the dating world, and living the dream of your world with your wife and kids?
I went home for a week to spend with my family. I told them that Jimmy said he wanted a separation. He thought that if we were away from each other a while the tension between us would go away and we could figure out whom we are and what we want. This word was to hard too let pass my lips. My dad told me that separations only lead to divorce. So either we try to make it or just leave each other. Divorce a dissolution of a marriage, with emotional tearing, mine, is such a hard word to even think about. It was not in my vocabulary.
I came home back home with the intention that there would be no separation, and that we would work at saving our marriage. Funny thing, he agreed with this. He was nice and caring, and made love to me, and told me he was sorry. I didn't know what happened but I wasn't going to let anything get in the way of how he was feeling now, and tried my hardest to please him.
I was back only for a couple of nights when I got a phone call. A woman on the other end asked me if I was Marie, Jimmy's wife. Well of course I told her yes, and than she apologized to me. Her name was Gloria and she told me that when my husband started pursuing her, she had no idea he was married. Gloria told me that she doesn't believe in going out with married men. She said that Jimmy met her the week I was gone with flowers in his hand, and asked her to marry him. She told him she found out he was married and to go back to his wife.
I bet we were on the phone for nearly two hours before we hung up. I appreciate her honesty and the phone call. I guess that is why JImmy acted so nice when I came back home. Of course I told him about the phone call and I know he felt like a fool, but when he apologized I forgave him. I still loved him, and we have a family now. Our life doesn't belong to us anymore. Now sacrifices have to be made, promises kept and a family to keep together with love and acceptance.
I bet some of you are shaking your heads right now. And I am sure a lot of you would have left the man. But I do believe there is a bigger picture and that we can't see it all the time. Right now I believe that if it weren't for the fact of forgiveness we wouldn't share the love we have today. We would not have the gift of family like we do now to enjoy that was started by US. I will write more tomorrow. I hope you have a great day. I am off to one-year-old birthday party.
Hello again and I hope you are having a fabulous day. On with my story.
Motherhood is such a change in a woman after giving birth. We are girls with ideals and after we get pregnant we feel the life inside and don't even realize that our way of thinking is changing. After going through the pain of childbirth, and holding that innocent baby in our arms something snaps in our heads. We now develop this care and affection that we never knew we had. We also develope this protective caretaker behavior. We didn't even know we had it in us.
With my first child I enjoyed just taking walks around the neighborhood, holding my darling, and the world looked different. The birds sounded sweeter and the sky was bluer. I was afraid I would break her if I held her to tight, or she would be so cold if I didn't have her wrapped up in a blanket all the time. I enjoyed showing her everything for the first time, even though she would be to young to know what I was doing. To watch her lift her head, roll over, crawl and take her first steps was probably the most exciting thing I have ever watched. I didn't mind getting up with her in the middle of the night to nurse her. I would rock her and sing to her and when she would finally fall back to sleep I would try to do the same.
When baby #2 came along I learned how to get creative. It was a challange but I got through it. I learned how to take two children to the zoo, or to the park. My oldest would try to help her younger sister with her first steps. I decided I like being a mother. I thought that was what God intended me to do with my life. I went back to work part time as a beautician. I got my beautician license when I finished high school. Jimmy would baby sit on the nights I worked. He was not as good playing caretaker as I was. The noise bothered him, and the toys all over the floor. But I thought that all men felt that way after all, my dad brought us up with the phrase "Kids are to be seen and not heard".
One day at the beauty shop, I felt some pressure and hurried to the bathroom. As I sat on the pot, I felt something coming out and caught it. To my surprise it was a blood clot the size of a cotex with a clear bubble on it and an embryo inside. The baby was not fully formed. I could make out the head, with two arms still forming and the rest look like the body of a fish. What to do. I had a customer in the dryer and I was washing another one's hair. I had to be strong. I put the embryo in a container and I finished my two customers like nothing had happened. When they finally left I called my mother and broke down and cried. The idea of losing a baby was devastating.
I told Jimmy and he brought me to the hospital for a D & C. This tragedy didn't seem to bother him like it bothered me. This happened on Oct 18, 1979, and the doctor told us that we could not have sex for at least 6 weeks. You know men, there was no way Jimmy was going to wait that long and I had another baby on July 31, 1980.
Of course he was thrilled, we had a little boy this time, and now my mother in law begged me to have my tubes tied. She said that I was going to make it to hard on her son to take care of so many in his family.
Life was good, with family picnics on both sides of the family, going to the beach in the summer, playing in the leaves in the fall, making snowmen in the winter, birthday parties, and of course the holidays with Santa Clause at my in-laws house. Going from my parents home to my in-laws home for the holidays
spending fun family time. I will say it was not easy taking care of three children, but I loved being a mother, I loved being married and I loved having a family. Jimmy and I were so much in love.
It was so unexpected when Jimmy lost his job. It took some time to find another one. He sent out resumes all over Illinois with no response. So he decided to try and send some out to other states. What a shock to find out that a company in Texas wanted him. This was hard to even think about. Leaving family seemed so disturbing. But in February 1982 we left a wintery scene for a sunny one in Texas.
Well today on my ambulance we are really busy and I have been trying to get this post done since eight this morning. I am finally getting this much done by five pm. So good bye for now and will talk to you soon. Just remember that Family is truly a gift from God and only your perspective and attitude of the world around you will help you appreciate what you have. Your world does not have to resemble the same as everyone else. Remember your cup is half full not half empty.
Good Morning all in computer land. I am a new romance writer, trying to explain the definition of LOVE and ROMANCE. There is not an easy answer, and it is different for everyone. Remember when you were a teenager and the crush on the guy in the hallway in high school. When ever you would look at him, you would get butterflies in your stomach and when he kissed you for the first time you couldn't breathe. After you go out for a while you get to know him, and some of his habits you really don't like when in time you don't feel the same anymore.
You grow up and finally meet the man of your life. You proclaim your love to each other and get married. You are high on life when finally the real world sets in. Bills have to be paid, having to deal with in-laws, & babies are in the picture. The butterflies are gone, and tiredness sets in. The days of love and romance are now intertwined with responsibility. Is it possible to have love and romance after years of marriage, kids and responsibility?
I guess that is why I am writing my story. We have love and romance mixed with aggravation, kids, jobs, in law, son & daughter in laws, and grandkids. I guess I want to show you the reason that later on in life if you are trying to keep the love burning it is a choice rather than just the looks with the butterflies.
OK so I just got back from a walk and lunch with my youngest daughter. She is 24 yrs old and not married yet. It seems to bother her, that her four siblings ahead of her are married. Yet she says that after seeing some of the ways her dad hurt me in our marriage she doesn't think she will ever get married. She says that she is not as strong and forgiving as I am.
So what is forgiveness? Our natural instinct is to protect when we have been injured. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision of the will with mercy and grace.
But I believe that once I had our first baby, our life doesn't belong to us anymore. Our children didn't ask to be born and brought in the world. They are totally dependent on us and the life we give them. So I do believe that we sacrifice for the sake of our kids. Now that the kids are grown, we could split up, but we managed to work on our relationship to keep our love alive no matter how much hurt we went through.
Well today has gotten away from me so I will try and go on with my story tomorrow.
Remember this: If we receive forgiveness from God, we need to give forgiveness to others who hurt us.
I am very lucky at this moment in time. I got to work, cleaned the station, made sure the truck is all stocked so that we can run at a moments notice and it is quiet. So I am going to try and take advantage of this time and write. Back to my story.
It is a hard thing to digest when the person you love, tells you he now is not sure. Not sure of what? I don't know if he had any idea how he broke my heart when he said he wanted us to start dating other people. We were married. It was like he slapped me in the face, I could not understand. I cried a lot and we had talks with our parents as they tried to act like marriage counselors. Was I being punished? Tom came back to my mind. Yes, I thought, I was being punished for how I hurt him. So I got out some stationary and wrote him a letter. I told him how sorry I was that I hurt him, and that I had made love with Jimmy while in Indiana so I had no choice but to marry him. I told Tom he deserved someone much better than me. I didn't know where to send it so I sent it to his parent's house. I can only hope he received it.
Divorce is not in my vocabulary. I didn't believe in divorce. I believed in our vows. Everyone interprets the Bible in different ways and I read it saying that once you gave yourself to a man, in God's eyes you were married. Jimmy and I had talked about that, and I believe in God's eyes, Jimmy is committing adultery. The way I read the Bible is Divorce is not permitted. That if we divorce and marry another we are committing adultery. I also read that you are permitted to Divorce if your partner is unfaithful, but you are not allowed to get married. The vows that were spoken said till death do you part and I hung on to every word.
Jimmy told me before we were married that his mother told him, I was good for him, that I would keep him young and alive. During our short courting days Jimmy was going out with a girl named Janice at the same time as me. I found that out later. Anyway I remember one day at the lounge he introduced me to her, and said he would be right back, he was going to walk her out to her car. I waited for over an hour for his return. There was another boy who was infatuated with me, and told me he would bring me home because Jimmy was my ride. But I waited. It hurt to know he was making out with her in her car instead of coming right back to me. He apologized saying that he wasn't going out with her anymore. He said that as he looked at the two of us sitting in that lounge that night, he could see how fake she was and how honest and real I was and that I was what he wanted. I guess you can say he sweet talked me and I got over being mad. I wanted to believe everything he told me. I didn't lie and I was so naive I thought everyone was the same.
So now knowing he was sitting at the restaurant with a waitress, talking instead of coming home to his wife and child hurt. With the knowledge that he all of a sudden wasn't sure if we should stay married hurt even worse. How long had we been married? Three years and he could fall out of love that fast?
Well we worked through it and wouldn't you know it, I was pregnant again. Being pregnant was fun for me. I especially loved to hear the babies' heart beat and finally feeling the baby moving inside me gave me such peace. But the delivery was not what I expected. My sister Patti had a baby first in the family. She said she had a couple of pains, got to the hospital and the baby was born, nothing to it. So of course I believed her. I am so naive. The day the pains started I took a bath and shaved my legs and pits so I would be presentable. We went to a Catholic Hospital and there I lay in a bed and waited and waited and waited. The pains got worse and worse but I would not dilate. They had straps around my waist and the baby monitor on. A Nun sat in there with me most of the time. Back in those days the father or parents could not be with you, they had to stay in a waiting room. Every time I got a contraction, I would yell, and the Nun would look at this piece of equipment and tell me that the contraction was not bad enough for me to yell. How does she know? Did she ever have a baby? And my sister was wrong. It did hurt and the baby didn't decide to come out for many, many hours. In fact with my first one, they finally put the oxygen mask on me and knocked me out. All I could remember was seeing something black between my legs, because they had a mirror hanging up, and I yelled something about my baby being in a bag. As I felt the life leaving me when they strapped on the mask, I remember saying in my mind Good Bye Baby. The next thing I remembered was waking up to someone slapping me in the face. Thank heavens baby number two was a much easier delivery. But it was still long and dragged out and I couldn't wait until I saw the new little person we were having. Back in those days we didn't have ultra sound to see the baby in the womb, so of course the first thing I would do when they finally gave my baby to me was unwrap the sweet thing and check out the fingers and toes. I want to put up a picture of my two sweet darlings but I am at work so tomorrow I will try to upload them on here.
They say Love is Blind. Your feelings of love suppress the activity of the brain that control critical thought. That statement is so true. You want to believe everything the person you are in love with tells you. Just remember that when you come across a situation and you think you were made a fool. I will get back on this tomorrow.
I just want to inform you that it is easy for me to blog today, I am babysitting and my jewels (grandbabies) are fast asleep napping. But tomorrow I will be on the ambulance again, and it is hit or miss of how the day will be. I could either be really busy or slow or steady. So if I don't have a chance to blog please don't use it against me. (ha ha I thought it would be easy but my internet connection quit on me)
I don't know if I told you, but I have been a paramedic for almost 17 yrs. Yea, I started late in life. I actually was a beautician working in Norman, OK when the Oklahoma Bombing happened. I will never forget that day, I was so disturbed, and yet something told me I had to be at the bombing site to help the hurting people. I was never as upset as that day when I was turned away. Crying I drove quickly home to get the TV on so I could see how else I could help. I brought down blankets like they asked and than I signed up to help clean up the bombing site. That was a adventure of its own. The secret service was all around us. They put hard hats and face masks on us and herded us like cattle. We were not allowed to look around. If we starred an anything else but what we were told to do they would escort us back to our car.
Anyway that is where I got the inspiration to write A Struggle of the Heart. Only the heroin is 20 yrs old not 40 yrs old and I threw in a love affair. But the desperate feeling of hopelessness and fear of what I experienced is in the story. Also I put in true events from going to EMT school so it was a pretty easy manuscript to write. Here is one of my pics of the OKC bombing site.
Well where was I. We got married, and it was a beautiful wedding. We played music by records which was not really heard of yet. We played the Wedding Song by Paul Stooky and I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher. Yes we played the records because we wanted the exact way they sang the songs. Maybe we were a little before our time. But our wedding was beautiful. We had two receptions, one at church and one at a hall. We had relatives on both sides of the family that drank and our church friends would have been offended. The wedding night is not the night to consummate a wedding. After counting all the money we got for gifts we were so tired but we still made love. We left the next day for Colorado. Jimmy had a trailer behind the car and his motorcycle was on it. We tried to camp the first night but it was way to cold. So we found a little cottage with a kitchen, bedroom and living room and spent our two weeks there. It was so much fun riding on the motorcycle through the mountains and visiting places like the Garden of the Gods. If anyone has ever been in Colorado, you know how beautiful it is there, you can only get lost in the radiant sight of the mountains and the sunsets.
Two weeks came and went and real life had to begin. My father in law built an apartment in the basement of their home. It seems Jimmy was going to get married once before also, and the apartment was made for them. But I didn't care. My in-laws were such sweet people, so I didn't mind living down stairs. We had a real apartment. It had a kitchen, living room, bedroom and full bath.
Now Jimmy and I both are Italian with quick tempers. So needless to say, we got into a lot of arguments and fights. The first year was very hard. First we didn't really know each other very well, and now we were trying to live together. We were two young kids in love, and still trying to have fun like nothing was different. I went lounging still with my two girlfriends on Fridays, and sometimes Jimmy would come with. I was told that I could dance fast if a boy asked me to, but I was not allowed to dance slow and let another man hold me. Agreed. Jimmy could go out with the boys on Friday if he wanted but we gave each other a curfew. We had to be home by four a.m. or that would mean one of us was busy with somebody else. Life was good. Jimmy made hamburgers most evenings for dinner and afterwards we would go to bed, make love and sleep.
JImmy decided to go to chef school and when he came to the baking part of the school, he quit and went on to baking school instead. Jimmy got a job at a bakery and I got a job at 7-11 food stores. We both worked midnights. It was great going shopping in the middle of the night on our days off because we could not sleep. We were enjoying married life.
Next thing that happened I got pregnant. We were not prepared for this. Heck we hardly knew each other when we got married, and now 2 1/2 yrs later we had a little girl. This was hard on both of us. The baby cried and since I didn't know how to stop her, I would cry also. Jimmy didn't like the noise or the messy house he would come home to. My in-laws tried to help when they could. Finally we bought a new house. We were moving out on our own. The pressure was on. Now Jimmy had to support a wife, a daughter and a new house. So he got himself another job. He got a job working at a restaurant on the evenings he was not working at the bakery.
I was getting lonely with him gone so much. The nights he worked at the restaurant he was suppose to be getting off around midnight or one a.m. but he started coming home later and later. Than it occured to me we gave each other curfews a couple of years ago, with the understanding that we would always be home by four a.m. So I questioned him the second night he came home after four. He didn't understand what I was so upset about. I was just talking with the guys, he would say. The next weekend he came home after four again and I am pretty sure I smelt perfume. We talked, argued and he promised it would not happen again. The next weekend I waited till four a.m. He did not come home, so I packed up my baby and went to a hotel for the night. I did not leave a note of where I was. I wanted to make a point. The next day when I came home, everyone was looking for me, my parents, his parents and Jimmy. As we talked he finally admitted to me that he was talking to an waitress and forgot the time. Then he decided that maybe we needed some time to see if we were compatible. So he wanted me to live upstairs in our home and he would live downstairs and we would go out with other people, like we were separated to see if we were really in love. Whew I was long winded again. Sorry. Well this is enough for now and hopefully I can blog tomorrow. One thing to remember is trust is very important in a marriage.
What does Romance mean to you? I decided to look it up and here is what it says on the Free Online Dictionary: A Love Affair - Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people, love - A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.
I also looked it up on the Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: Romance is the pleasurable feeling of
excitement and mystery associated with love. Romance implies an expression of one's love, or one's deep emotional desires to connect with another person.
But is Romance just a feeling or is it also a choice. Can you stay romantically involved with a person after
living with them for ten yrs, twenty yrs or even forty yrs? Is romance just a feeling or is it something so hidden in your heart and soul that you hang on to something that you can't describe. Does it mean you have to have sex? What happens to a couple that has been married and an accident occurs which makes it physically impossible to have sex; do they fall out of love? The definitions above I don't think give the word justice.
We have been married for 37 yrs. In my younger years I don't think I could describe love like I can now. I love the fact that no matter what we did to hurt each other in the past we still hung on to our promise to love each other, to forgive each other and our need and want for each other has grown. What a reward enjoying OUR children with their children.
Please don't take me wrong. I am not judging anyone. There are many reasons for not staying together, and I know of a lot of people that are happier with their second choice. I am talking just about me. Even with the deceit and lying, and cheating that went on in our marriage, we managed to hang on and the rewards are tenfold.
Here is a picture of our family today: It is hard to believe that once it was just me and Jimmy. Look at how our family has grown.
Well let me go on with my story of how we managed to stay married for 37yrs. . It was now into the middle of November and Jimmy and I would see each other at the lounge every weekend. I also got a couple of letters from Tom asking me not to break up with him. I was confused, but I was also young and enjoyed the attention that I was getting from Jimmy. I was tired of waiting, hanging around at home, I wanted to go out and have fun. Thanksgiving came and left and in the beginning of December Tom came home for a couple of weeks. He came over, and bent down to kiss me. Yea he was 6ft tall and I am only 5' 3". He looked so handsome in his uniform and as he took my hand my heart began to break. I had his ring put back into the box and waiting for him. We sat under the Christmas tree and it seemed like forever as I tried to break it off while he begged me not to. As I think of this now, I really don't like myself very much. I did this all wrong. He didn't do anything to hurt me, I just wanted to be free. There had to be a more personal way of breaking up, but I did it with a Dear John letter. I was really a terrible person to hurt him so bad. The drive that kept me on that path was I really wanted to go out with Jimmy. I felt like I still loved Tom, but there was something about Jimmy. We stayed sitting and crying under the Christmas tree and when the sun came up in the morning Tom left my house alone and unengaged.
That month my cousin was getting married and Tom was still in town and called me on the phone asking me for dates. I had told him about my cousin's wedding and then I told Jimmy about my cousins wedding and next thing I knew somehow both boys thought they were going with me. The decision now was how I was going to tell one of them that I had a date. Part of me didn't want to disappoint Jim, so I told Tom I was going with Jim. I didn't even think of how I was hurting Tom even more. I was in Marie wonderland. I heard a rumor later that Tom was so hurt he got drunk and tried to jump out of a car in the middle of Chicago. I think I was to young to really realize what I was doing. At the same time, I was having fun with Jimmy. But when I went to the movies with Tom a few days later I saw the difference in him. He was so cold to me and I didn't understand why. Yes I was really pretty ignorant.
That was the last I saw of Tom. He left for Hawaii where he was stationed and life got easier as I kept my adventure going with Jimmy. That Christmas Jimmy got me a little cats eye ring with two little diamonds mounted on each side. He seemed to be getting serious a little faster than I expected. New Years eve came and he took me out to a place in down town Chicago called Contiki Ports for dinner. He looked so handsome in his suit and red bow tie. I even bought him a corsage to put on him. This was different for me. He treated me more like a princess than Tom did and I was eating this up.
It was in the month of January that my mother wanted something from Davenport Iowa and I can't remember at this moment what it was. Mom decided that she wanted me and my sister to drive there and get it. My sister wanted to bring her boyfriend, so than it was decided that Jimmy would come to. There was two hotel rooms and I didn't think anything about it until when I tried to get into my hotel room, my sister laughed at me as she shut the door in my face leaving me in a room with Jimmy. I was not ready for that yet.
We fought the first night because I wouldn't have sex with him. He knew what my dream was, but he decided that he loved me and if I loved him, that was all that mattered. So unfortunately the second night, crying, and trying to keep Jimmy happy and not lose him, we made love. It hurt and it was not romantic. As I look back at that moment in time, I realize that I was secretly angry at him. Actually I should have been angry at myself, but any other guy I told my story to would respect my feelings and Jimmy didn't. After that night my life was now over as I knew it. I had to marry him or never get married. I know you are all laughing at me now. But I was 19 yrs old, and I truly believed that once you gave yourself to a man, you are husband and wife forever. I truly believed than and now that we are only suppose to give our selves to one person, our mate. I do believe that God has a plan and I did try to follow it.
We had talked about getting married and of course now I was ready. Believe it or not we got engaged that Valentine's day and was married on April 13, 1974. My parents were so upset. My dad first was angry because Tom had asked permisson to marry me before he gave me a ring and Jimmy did not. Second my mother figured that I must be pregnant to have married Jimmy so fast. My dad even went as far as to tell Jimmy to stay away from me or he would find himself locked in the truck of a car that would be laying on the floor of Lake Michigan.
Well this is all for now. I am shedding a few tears and really don't want to think anymore. I will try to get back to my story tomorrow. I am lucky enough to baby sit on my days off from the ambulance so tomorrow just like today I will have the jewels of my life be here to love and play with. Just try to remember that the things you do or say can either have a positvie or negative affect on someone so choose your words wisely. Here is a wedding picture of us April 13 1974. As I look at this picture it is hard for me to imagine that we were so young. lol
Today is my fourth daughter’s birthday. She turns 28 today, Happy Birthday Jessica. I went out last night for dinner and a comedy club with two of my daughters Jessica and Regina. It turns out that it bothers
Jessica to coming that old. OLD? It is surreal to me because even though I am sitting with them, laughing with them, I feel young again and forget that I am old. Do I really have a daughter that old? Wait my oldest is 35, so yes. As Jessica talks and whines about another birthday I have to remind her that she
could be six feet under the ground, that she has her health that she can walk and write and use her brain. That she has two beautiful children and a husband that just adores her besides loves her. Ha-ha I guess that is what mothers are for. Here is a pic of us before I go back to my story of being married for 37 yrs.
The time frame I think is important so I met Jimmy the end of October 1973. I went home early in the morning, jumped into bed for some sleep. When I woke I received a letter in the mail. OK now I am
going to unload some dirty laundry, and let me tell you that I am ashamed of myself. The letter starts out, Dear Marie , I miss you very much. Yes, I was doing the unthinkable. I had a fiancé, stationed in Hawaii. I was engaged I think for over a year, and most of that time he was gone, stationed far away, and I was bored and getting tired of waiting for him to come home. The drinking age changed from 21 to 18 and even though I didn't drink, I was able to go into these lounges and dance. I loved music and dancing. After that boys started to notice me. Me! I couldn't believe it. I had one boy named Todd that I was good friends with and we use to go on weekend trips riding his motorcycle. Now I want to remind you I was
engaged and I let him know that, and he was a gentleman and never tried anything. We were just good friends, best boy & girl friends, and we would venture out all over Illinois, or Indiana on his bike. I did tell my fiancé about this with a script telling him not to worry and as far as I knew he trusted me. But when I met Jimmy it was different.
Later that week Jimmy called me and asked me out on a date. I couldn't believe it and without thinking
I said yes. Than as I walked into my room there was a picture of me and Tom. I didn't want to be disloyal so I wrote Tom a Dear John letter, making myself believe that I was doing the right thing and that Tom would be OK with this. The weekend came and Jimmy picked me up in his mustang and we went on our date. Jimmy brought me to this old nickelodeon restaurant. As we walked into the front doors there were mirrors on the walls, the kind you find at a circus that would either make you look short and fat or tall and skinny. We were seated at the table with bench seats and with out any notice one side of the bench would rise from the floor pushing you down the seat and than slowly lower back down. The top of the walls toward the ceiling were animals like monkeys with cymbals and when people would throw money in them they would play music. Jimmy was charming and I don't think I ever laughed so much. We sat, ate and talked and had such a good time.
Finally it was time to leave and Jimmy drove me to the forest preserves. I think he planned on making out, but we started talking and I brought up Jesus and the fact that I was a virgin and didn't believe in making love until my wedding night. I told him about Tom and he told me about his old girlfriends. But the conversation would come back to the fact I haven't had sex yet and he was just not understanding why I wanted to wait.
It is not like I haven't had the chance. I once had a boyfriend named Steve that I was head over heels in love with, or so I thought. I told him that I would not make love to him until our wedding night and he dated me in my junior year in high school. One day some things at home got hot and I ran away. He found me, and brought me to his house. He brought me into his bedroom and we sat on the bed. He tried to put the moves on me, like he usually did, and I fought him off, like I usually did, but this time it was different. He told me he had gotten a job with the railroad, and he was leaving soon and wanted me to go with him. He said he could and would take care of me the rest of my life. I explained that I needed to finish high school, and although he didn't understand why since he dropped out of school, he said fine. He would wait for me, but I would have to make love to him, so he knew that I wouldn't leave him.
Another time was when Tom sent me a ticket to see him in Hawaii. I stayed there for two weeks with him. We slept in the same room, same bed, heavy kissing and petting but that was as far as it went. He
liked the fact that I wanted to be a virgin when I got married, and one time when I got heated up, I asked him to make love to me, and marry me in Hawaii. He refused to listen to me telling me that he wanted me to have a wedding with our parents and brothers and sisters with us.
Jimmy kissed me a couple of times that night and then took me home. He said he would call but the week went by and he never called me. I went to the lounge that Friday night and he didn't show up. The next week went by and he didn't call me. Believe it or not, I couldn't understand what I did wrong, and I was wishing for him to call. After two weeks of no phone calls or seeing him at the lounge the third week, Jimmy came over with a chocolate whipped crème cake. It was his way of saying he was sorry. He told me that I scared him with the virgin talk and wasn't sure if he really wanted to go out with me anymore but changed his mind.
Whew am I long winded. Well that is enough for today. Have a great day and think of life like a half glass of wine. It is rich, tastes good and half full. :)
I am the Author
a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and still believe in the power of love &